I Got Mommed

I have been a mom now for almost 17 months. It’s hard to believe that much time has gone by and at the same time it seems like forever…in a good way, of course. But as I took stock of the last 17 months of my life I realized that some changes I thought would surely be temporary have managed to somehow become not so temporary. In other words, I got mommed big time. Here are just a few of my symptoms:

– My hair is always up…always. And not a cute up like some fun fishtail braid or messy bun. Just straight up ponytail style. Sometimes it’s because I live in a state that regularly feels like someone’s armpit. Sometimes it’s because my hair is getting in the way of pulling my son out of the muddy puddle for the 8ooth time. And sometimes it’s just because my hair was up the day before and now I have that awful ponytail bump going on at the back of my head. But for better or worse, it’s up.

– I find myself regularly announcing to rooms (empty and otherwise) that “Mommy has to go potty” anytime I need to excuse myself for the restroom. In fact, I refer to myself as “Mommy” out loud and often.

– I have become one of the most active participants of trash pick up in our local parks that you will ever see. Is this because I now feel a massive responsibility to keep our planet clean for my son’s generation? Nope. It’s because I know if I don’t get to that empty beer bottle, abandoned coke can or wad of what was probably a newspaper before it rained, that Levi will. And he will hold it against his face as if it is some sort of newly found treasure and will then become riddled with some sort of yet to be named disease. So I pick up all sorts of disgusting trash in an attempt to cut him off at the pass.

– And speaking of diseases, I would do ANYTHING to keep my child from catching the common cold. Those of you who do not have children yet have no idea how that innocuous little bug will seep into your child’s system and turn him or her into a whiny, snotty, exhausted (but never sleeping) little being. Forget the zombie apocalypse, Levi catching a cold is the worst kind of future destruction. If I see Levi interacting with a child who even remotely sneezes, coughs or has a nose dripping like a faucet, I will not stop myself from swooping in, snatching up my child like a football and barreling towards the end zone back home.

– Once when Levi hit a particularly awful napping dry spell, I actually dried my hair in our laundry room for a week, so great was my fear of waking him up. The laundry room was the room that I had determined was the farthest possible distance from his room and also by the way, has no AC. (See first point about my hair always being up. It’s stuff like this that makes that happen.)

– I find myself regularly critiquing the rationale behind Levi’s favorite TV show, the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and have actually found myself thinking, “There’s no way that a pair of shoes with springs on them will let you jump up to the top of a tree. That’s just silly.” Because clearly, a show like the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse needs to be as scientifically correct as possible. Duh.

– I find Donald Duck hilarious, by the way.

– Back in the day, before Levi, all I wanted to do with any free time was go find my friends and do whatever for however long. Now, when I find myself temporarily child free all I want is my couch, a bag of raisinettes and whatever my current guilty pleasure TV show happens to be.

– My daily wardrobe now consists solely of t-shirts, tanktops and shorts. And occasionally I am not above just wearing my workout clothes all day because it’s not like I’m actually going to find time to shower that day and even if I do I’m just going to go back outside and sweat, so really what’s the point? (Again, point 1 comes into play here.)

So if you found yourself nodding along at any of those statements or laughing with the quiet pain of agreement then you too, have been mommed. And if you have yet to experience the great paradox that is parenting, and are thinking, “That will never be me. I will totally keep my act together when I’m a mom”, just wait. It’s coming for you. One day you will be mommed too.